Help! Backpacking with Anxiety

Early in our marriage I took my dayhike and camping loving wife on a couple of backpacking trips. The results were… mixed. She enjoyed spending more time in the wilderness, but was not a big fan of the comfort concessions that came with it. Highest on her list of dislikes was sleeping on the ground, followed by “things that go bump in the night”, steep uphills, sore feet, and my inability to change any of it.

What I remember the most is that when she wasn’t happy, neither was I. When I backpack solo or with other backpacking friends I get immersed in the experience and all the discomforts drop away. But when I backpacked with my wife, my focus was on her and her experience. And when the going got rough, it was tough on both of us.

We mutually decided that she liked a different kind of outdoor experience than I did, and that was OK. We have plenty of opportunity to be outdoors together with dayhikes and camping. Backpacking is my thing. There are other things she does without (thankfully) me. Shared experiences are marvelous, no doubt about it, but our differences keep things interesting too.

Another thought- Many trips I have led were for the challenge. People came from near and far to try something new that was hard and uncomfortable and for the growth opportunity. If your gal does foot races or any other kinds of sport challenges, she may get a kick out backpacking- if she looks at it as an athletic event or an education experience.

Good advice here, but I would add a larger perspective. If she wants to go backpacking, let her take control.  Let her decide where to go and what to wear (you can give her options, but make sure they are attractive…)

I think too many men try to “show” women how to have fun in the wilderness…instead of letting them find their own way. She is an adult, capable of making decisions based on her experience and motivations.  Let her do that.

My wife and I have backpacked about 1500 miles over the past ten years…and we still have different approaches and perspectives on how to do it.  And that’s OK.

Too late now, but meeting my future wife on a backpacking trip avoided this issue.

I’m a born and raised Southern Californian. I’ve heard all my life that we are “laid back”. I had never been to New York until fairly recently. Oh my god, now I know what laid back means, or rather, what not being laid back means.

New Yorkers in my opinion seem to me to be naturally anxious and they like to stoke their anxiety. They seem to stoke anxiety about EVERYTHING. It’s a crisis if the local bagel shop doesn’t have the right flat bagels today. Of course my sample size is limited to my partner’s sprawling extended family. They all look at me like I am CRAZY for liking backpacking, especially solo backpacking. They cannot see the beauty of my pictures, the wonder of the wildlife and the wildflowers, the sublime feeling of being barefoot in the sand by an awesome swimming hole. All they can do is stoke their fears of bugs and snakes and bears, of pain and discomfort and pooping in the woods or being stalked by dangerous criminals or whatever. They revel in these things. They go to their summer cabins in the woods and then complain about everything.

The point of this is to say that my understanding is that you might be battling against all of this. The anxiety isn’t only within her, it appears to be part of the culture of New York. I suggest you move. Go somewhere more laid back, somewhere where people enjoy stretching their limits, pushing themselves to have peak physical experiences, somewhere where people regularly go outside in nature like it’s no big deal. Here in Santa Barbara you go to restaurants and eat outside all year long, even when it’s cold. My house doesn’t have air conditioning. Sometimes I forget to shut the back door and a skunk will come inside. The boundary between nature and my house is relatively thin compared to the boundary between Long Island and Upstate New York.

Maybe you should join Audubon or something and go bird watching and learn to how to see past the exertion and the gear and just learn how to SEE things. Quiet thoughts and immersion in the wonders all around.

I’m just a Californian and we’re not really real Americans anyway so maybe I don’t know anything about anything. But that’s how it looks to me. Good luck to you.

Wisner and Karen have particularly given what I think is helpful advice. I think girly-women and kids both need to be given really good introductions to backpacking- perfect weather, short duration, lots of type 1 fun and zero type 2 fun (Skurka references). No misery. Not if you want them to do it again.

But be willing to accept that she may not end up being your backpacking buddy. My husband and I have very few common interests, and yet we’ve been together 20 years and are happy. I’m the backpacker and hiker, and he hasn’t gone with me in years. And that’s ok.

If that’s not ok with you, then if you do find yourself seeking a new GF at some point, make it clear up front that they need to be outdoorswomen. Make it part of the screening process. Seriously. Because trying to change someone to be what you want is doomed.

Diane makes a good point about regional mindsets.  To paraphrase my usual stik (“Reality” shows about Alaska aren’t real, but the sit-com North Exposure was a documentary.): Woody Allen films aren’t about unusually neurotic and dysfunctional New Yorkers, they’re documentaries.

In LowCal if it rains, you cancel the trip.  In Seattle, you go anyway (or you’d never go anywhere).  In Alaska, sure, there’s bears and mosquitos and avalanches and hypothermia and fast cold rivers, but:

Paul says:

“If she wants to go backpacking, let her take control.  Let her decide where to go and what to wear (you can give her options, but make sure they are attractive…)

I think too many men try to “show” women how to have fun in the wilderness…instead of letting them find their own way. She is an adult, capable of making decisions based on her experience and motivations.  Let her do that.”

I agree in principle, but it definitely depends on the woman. I’m the adventurer type in our marriage, but my wife still likes hiking and camping with me. The thing is it’s pretty much always on me to plan trips. She’d rather not deal with it. She’ll help figure out a meal or two, if it’s an easy hike in that warrants some bulkier foods.

Her first hike in was in the rain. I was surprised she was down for it and even more surprised that she enjoyed it. Was my first in the rain as well. It helped that the hike in was only 2 miles though lol. The next day we dropped off the gear at the car and did a ~15 mile hike around the area. A short hike in the first time I think really helps to show that it’s really not all that different from car camping, and that the pack really isn’t that bad (as long as the gear is light enough).

And let’s not make this thread completely sexist – plenty of men are anxious about backpacking too. And some of us women end up doing all the planning (me). My husband will go now and then, not too often, but I have to plan from A-Z. He isn’t anxious about anything at all, won’t pack from a list, and doesn’t care what his pack weighs, just doesn’t want to go very often. He’s a total trooper when out there, can hike farther and faster than me. But he prefers mountain biking.

I am more anxious but my planning helps with that. Plus lots of experience, good and bad, which I’ve learned from to know that it will be ok.

Yeah, my wife is more tolerant of marginal conditions and multiple days without a shower than I am.  And our son freaks out a lot more about spiders and bugs than our daughter does.

“We are bringing board games and frisbee and cinnamon rolls and I just got a cook set that I can finally make more than hot water with. I’m thinking pizza and cinnamon rolls this time around!”

Ditch her and take me instead! I’m surely not as easy on the eyes as her and spooning with a 40 year old guy might not be your thing, but…I really like the idea of fresh cinnamon rolls and pizza on a backpacking trip. Keep me posted.

Alex: Again, I avoided this issue by meeting my future wife on a backpacking trip.

Specifically a gourmet backpacking trip.  She brought a chocolate fondue.  I brought ice cream sundaes (and a hot tub).

“Backpacking with Anxiety”

I would consider anyone named “Anxiety” to be high maintenance and one might consider seeking a different hiking partner with a different name.

Like, for instance, “Katrina”.

All great points.  Reading through all of this has given me some new perspectives and approaches to try out and she is getting more and more excited about the trip next weekend.  It’s also been reassuring and encouraging to hear from people who don’t get to share their preferred level of backpacking with their SO.  Despite the stress of introducing this to her, I do feel (and she expresses) that she is excited to embark on this journey and explore this part of my life with me.

I agree with the perspectives of different regional mindsets.  I grew up in AZ, and lived in CO and Malaysia.  It’s been an interesting adjustment understanding the regional mindsets of people who grew up in NYC and it’s been a 2 year journey here so far.

Anyways, even though I can’t respond to all of the messages from the past day individually, I want to thank everyone who is weighing in and offering their experiences and support.  We all have busy lives so I really appreciate you all taking a moment out of your day to help out a stranger.

You’re ridiculous Cameron.  But I needed that laugh!  It’s a terrible dad joke.  Well done!

Come on out to NY and we will take a trip!  I can’t promise the cuddle and spooning, but I’m sure we will have a good time!

My wife had a lot of anxiety leading up to her first backpacking trip, however she loved it after. People fear new experiences “its completely natural”. A good partner will bring out the best in you and challenge your insecurities.

I would also point out that New Yorkers may be anxious about hiking and the wilderness–but how many of us “low key” westerners get anxious when visiting NY for the first time?

Since I’m not sure anyone touched on the IBS question, I’ll chime in. I have IBS that is currently being successfully managed by intermittent fasting. Before I started fasting, I actually found my symptoms were always much improved when I was backpacking. I don’t know if it was a change in my diet, the exercise, or what. If her concerns are about attending to bathroom needs in the wood, and maybe sometimes urgent needs, I typically feel more comfortable dealing with that out in the woods than in places where there might not be a public bathroom around, or I have to worry about what people in neighboring stalls are thinking, or what my boyfriend in the next room is hearing. In the woods, I can typically get as much privacy as I need and don’t need to go looking for facilities. It might make her feel more comfortable if you guys worked out a system where you, from a safe (out of earshot) distance away, ‘guard’ her spot so she doesn’t have to worry about other hikers running into her. And to make sure she doesn’t have to worry about navigating her way back to the trail on her own. Especially if you’re in a busier area, do what I do and as soon as you arrive at camp make a poop plan (i.e., go scout out safe spots so when the need hits you don’t have to think about it, and so you can go in the dark). Also, try and figure out what is at the root of her anxieties – is it fear of being sick and away from medical help, fear of lack of privacy, uncertainty about the mechanics of pooping in the woods, fear of being sick or uncomfortable away from the comforts of home (like her bed, heating pad, comfort animal)? Each of those may have a different mitigation so it’s important to understand what’s driving the anxiety. Also remember, polite society doesn’t typically talk about bathroom functions as comfortably and readily as seasoned backpackers, so don’t expect her to be ready to talk in detail about this stuff right out of the gate.  Good luck! And think baby steps – if she’s miserable this first time out it might be her last time…

It should also be ok if she does not want to go. At this point it seems like there is a lot of pressure around this and it may feel like it’s more about how she will “perform” on the trip than the the trip itself. I already forgot who mentioned it above but trying to let her guide the way on how she wants to do it is probably better than her feeling like this is entirely your world and she needs help every step of the way.
Most people are anxious about one thing or another and sometimes being allowed to express that anxiety without judgement from others goes a long way to feeling more at ease. “There is nothing to be anxious/stressed about” is not nearly as helpful as acknowledging that for most of our existence the outdoors have had the potential of being dangerous/ icky (?) and that it is hardwired into us to prefer comfort.
As for New Yorkers being worse than Californians in that respect….I don’t buy it.

I think everyone’s taken care of the advice angle, so I just want to say kudos to you for the lengths you’re going to show her the best time possible. Introducing someone to backpacking is a LOT different than introducing them to many other hobbies – as you’re literally showing her a completely different way to live and take care of herself – and it seems like you’ve been very thorough in your planning. Whether she enjoys the trip or not, I have no doubt it will be a better experience for her than if she’d gone with someone less attentive to her feelings. If more men were like you, I suspect the divorce rate wouldn’t be nearly as high!

I find that when taking a girlfriend backpacking, bodily functions (lack of a toilet and running water) are by far the biggest issue….

I’m not sure this has been emphasized enough in this thread, but it has been my experience too.  When your a guy, the world is your bathroom… women often need a bit more civilization.  I found with my wife that trips were much more readily accepted if there was an outhouse at the destination. Hiking to a wilderness campground may not be exactly what you want but is a great start.  I think she would appreciate that much more than gourmet cooked food.

Ben you obviously don’t know the women I know. They have no issue with toileting in the wild. We don’t even talk about it. Seems more like a city thing than a gender thing.

We are all totally speculating – which is of course what forums do best – but this lady probably can articulate her greatest concerns and those can be addressed.

I met my spouse in a national park, hiking and backpacking were our first dates. That helps too! Is there still a “Sierra Singles” out there? I used to hike with them but I only met really weird men that way. lol

I love my wife, but she hates backpacking.  We settled for day hikes.  I let her do her thing, she lets me do mine.  For us, it works out.  She even lets me go on long distance PCT hikes.  She meets me at the trail towns and we do our Tourist thing.  I dont know if you will have the same experience, but I had to learn to accept it.

I just don’t think it matters whether you’re from a densely populated city, suburb or rural area when it comes to how much you’re going to like backpacking. Nor do I think geographic location is much of a factor. I suppose it might be tempting to think that people from rural places would have more of an affinity for the backcountry, but it seems to me that they’re actually less likely to participate than those from urban areas. I’ve noticed backpackers tend to be middle-middle to upper-middle income people from cities and suburbs. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but aside from hunting, I don’t meet many rural people out on trails. I know, the total rural population is not as big as metro numbers, however, even on a per capita basis I’d say people from the country backpack far less. In places like AK, MT, etc that may not be the case though.