Help! Backpacking with Anxiety

This will be a huge growth experience for both of you – for her to learn she can be a bit uncomfortable now and then and get through it. For you to learn patience. I think a lot of us learned the discomfort thing as children, out hiking and camping. I probably whined a hell of a lot! my poor parents. Learning to “Embrace the suck” as the saying goes, is not an overnight thing. I think the short first trip is a very good idea.

As far as outdoor fashion goes, I’m too old to give a rip. But there are so many fashionable clothes now that are ok for outdoors hiking. Surely she can find things she likes that work well for her. There are so many choices. Tell her to focus on what looks good on camera, if she likes photos of herself. Mine are always terrible – gray boring clothing! The YouTubers all wear deep blues or reds that pop in photos. Maybe that would be fun for her?

If I were going with this gal, I would treat her respectfully as an adult, but incorporate child friendly fun into it – stopping for cool things along the trail, bring a frisbee, some fun foods (not sure at all what can be had with IBS!), skinny dip in a stream – whatever really expresses the joy of being outdoors. Even marshmallows to roast if you’re having a fire. That may all sound silly, but it’s how you gradually get kids into being out there. They naturally play – with sticks, mud, rocks, watching squirrels, etc. I wonder too if for part of a day you can each hike alone. She can relax and breathe and not have anyone to complain to. If you do that though, make sure she knows when she will see you again! It will bring in a bit of anxiety but perhaps also give her confidence.

Maybe some NOLS folks or wilderness guides can chime in with what they’ve done to help newbies acclimate to backpacking.

Good luck and post how it goes!

Go slow and be settled with significantly altering your way of doing things for the benefit of your partner having a good time. What you do in the early days will make or break their interest in backpacking.  To me, a 3-day, 2-night trip is a lot to ask of someone who has never backpacked before. Why not start with day hikes, to get familiar with the clothes, gear and bathroom options?  Get her a P-style or similar device to practice with at home before using it in the woods. Then an overnight, where you are essentially car camping but have to walk your gear a mile or two in from the parking lot. The knowledge that there’s a bailout option can do a lot to calm anxiety. And if she uses that option, just go with it graciously; no complaining or negativity. Then spend the next day doing whatever she most wants to do.

You say she likes car camping. Ask her what she likes about it, what was she unsure about before she started doing it that now she’s found peace with? How can you use that information to calm fears about/ make connections with a backpacking trip?

Let her choose her favorite clothes for being outside, and send them to Insect Shield to get them treated with Permethrin for ticks, instead of trying to force unfashionable hiking garb. If she wants to wear some shorts made of cotton, you just bring extra pairs in your pack. Carry whatever it takes for her to feel comfortable in your pack, even if it doubles your base weight.

Great suggestions so far.   Karen, the play time and hiking alone are good ideas I hadn’t thought of.

Greg, great thoughts.  We started with one night drive in camping and day hikes.  Moved to 2 night camping at primitive camp grounds.  Now we are adding the hiking and the camping together.  Hike for 1/2 day on Friday, camp, hike Saturday and camp, then be out by mid-day on Sunday.

But great suggestions on the east day hike in.  This whole trip we won’t be more than 10 miles from the trail head and I’ve assured her we can bail at any time.  I like the idea of sending in clothes to get treated.  And great suggestions on the questions to ask!

The trouble with camping two miles in is that right now all of those sites are completely packed with people and NY is definitely not the place to be next to crowds with the current pandemic.  I was camped 3 miles into a lesser used trail a few weeks ago and saw over 100 people in 2 days.  While extended hikes are a bit riskier, 6-7 miles in a day seems safer and less anxiety inducing than camping next to 10 large groups.

The breadth and depth of her anxiety / reluctance is impressive:

“That’s ugly, I don’t want to look like a goober.”
“socks and shirt into pants in tick country”

“What if I’m too cold?”

” What if I’m too hot?
” The black Tenacious Tape doesn’t quite match the black nylon of my jacket…”.

A compassionate perspective would be that, just like “depression lies” (to keep you depressed), “anxiety lies” and whips up the stupidest little details into disabling conditions.  And if that’s the case, I’d say treat it like a phobia and desensitize her through repeated VERY MILD, calm exposures.

OTOH, that behavior also fits that of a control freak who has to have things her way and is salting the earth around your favorite activity so she never has to do it (or the one time she does, it will be as bad as she warned you about) and then by default you two will only do what she wants going forward.  That’s a lot less treatable – impossible if she doesn’t see it and and the answer is simple – DTMFA (a Dan Savage acronym).

David, the breadth is impressive but it really does come from anxiety.  Yes, she holds to control like duct tape to leg hair, but does want to ease it up.  And really does want to enjoy this and share it with me.  The anxiety combined with being a lawyer just defaults her to looking for every possible way things can go wrong and acting accordingly.  It’s a really good thing she isn’t trying to salt the earth.  But stepping out of comfort zones is really hard, especially when it’s going from a very comfortable existence in NYC to living out of a pack with limited supplies and pooping in the woods.  I think one reason backpacking is so incredibly valuable is because it teaches us to be at peace with discomfort and not let little discomforts ruin an otherwise amazing experience.

I have been with my wife for over 20 years.  Backpacking is an important part of my life. Yet in that time, she’s backpacked with me for a total of probably less than 5 nights.

We car camp.  We walk together.  We hang out at the beach together.  Many, many summers have seen over a month straight on the road together.

Which is perfectly fine for both of us.  Backpacking is my thing, not hers, and we don’t have to share everything.

Just another perspective.

I was going to say that too – what Wisner said. My husband will go sometimes, but not as often as I want to go, so we often do separate things. It works as long as we also plan in some together stuff now and then.  And maybe your GF would enjoy some trips with women friends. That takes the relationship pressure out of the experience, all those pesky expectations that get in the way. I would get totally anxious if a backpacking trip were a “test” of my relationship!

I should add…I think that in some cases there’s a very fine line between introducing someone to a hobby/lifestyle vs. trying to change someone into something they’re not.  The latter, in my experience, doesn’t work out so well in relationships.

It may be that your gf knows how important backpacking is for you and is afraid that if things go wrong or she hates it, it will have large repercussions. So maybe reassuring her (often) that she doesn’t HAVE to like backpacking and go on all your trips etc. will take some pressure off.

Backpacking isn’t for everyone; most don’t like the idea of hanging out for hours in camp with bugs and ‘nothing to do’. Oh, bring a book…and cards or something. That, and the fears she seems to have that can only be worked through with experience.

I have a friend who’s terrified of going into our local large park by himself. Who knows what animals and killers are lurking about? But he hikes all over San Francisco for exercise. He’s a city kid.

“someone to a hobby/lifestyle vs. trying to change someone into something they’re not.  The latter, in my experience, doesn’t work out so well in relationships.”

I agree that trying to change someone into “something they’re not” doesn’t work….

But this notion fundamentally underestimates our capacity to adapt, willingly or not.

We’re human with a highly adaptable cognitive system capable of learning and growing through experiences (heck animals are probably equally adept!).

The only question is: how open is one to change?

Nothing is fixed! Look at NYC now! Look at what this virus has done to our world in a few short weeks!

Adapt or…..

“Adapt or…”

Great foundation for a relationship!

Read anything by Pema Chodron before, during, and after the trip!

Thank you for the other perspective.  It’s something I’m hoping won’t be the case but I’m glad to know it can work out.  I’m really hoping to watch the sunset with her 5 days into the wilderness.  But you’re right.  Compromise of experiences is valuable and we do find things that we both enjoy doing.

Thank you Karen,

I think she feels the pressure regardless of the fact that we are planning a wedding, however I’m trying to take the pressure off as much as possible while still expressing to her that it’s an important part of my life that I hope she will share with me.  Luckily she is excited to learn and share.   It’s just the anxiety that gets in the way.

You’re right that backpacking isn’t for everyone.  She does want to learn and try it and has wholeheartedly invested in the gear and clothing and early on told me she wants to grow in the outdoors.  We just haven’t had a car to get there until last week.  And we have an understanding that she doesn’t have to join me on the 14 day trips.  If she is willing to join me for 3-4 day trips on occasion and car camping the rest of the time, that will be enough.

I’m very being very careful of that “changing someone” line.  I’ve made that mistake before and it hasn’t worked out.  That’s why I’m trying to do everything possible to make this an enjoyable experience.  She likes camping and hiking and being outdoors.  But the first few backpacking trips can be scary.  I had the benefit of my first two being a week each, followed by two weeks so I was broken in quickly and at an early age.  She hasn’t had that chance yet.  Is I thank you all for helping me remember how uncomfortable it can be.

She unfortunately doesn’t have any women friends who are outdoorsy at all.  I’m the wild card shaking up her life.  But we are looking at women only trips that she can sign up for.  I think it would be an amazing experience for her.  And perhaps a comforting learning experience.  I fully realize that I as a man have different needs than women on the back country so I’m struggling to guide her on some anxieties and questions she has.  But she has started reading more and taking initiative which is really encouraging!

I’ll look it up.  Thank you!

I’m also trying to guide her away from making the mistakes that lead to a 50lb pack and a miserable first trip.  My first trip  had about a 55lb pack and I did a rim to rim in the Grand Canyon.  I made it but it’s certainly a trip I will never forget!  I couldn’t walk right for a week after!

funnily enough, i am a born and raised nyc kid that never dreamed of backpacking (or not showering every day etc). but one thing lead to another, and now the highlights of my year are weeklong cross country routes through the sierra nevada.

i still care how i dress, still like cities and city things, and even still like to shower… and yet i also dream of setting up my tent in a glorious basin 20 miles from the nearest road. it can be done!

Point out that back country camping is cleaner than car camping because you’re away from the dust and bugs of a developed campground.

Then show her. Start off with a short trip. Look at the maps and find a nice place 2 to 3 miles in. Somewhere with a view, but before the first lake on the trail where everybody else and the bugs are. Hike in until about 3 or 4 pm, make camp and hang out. The next day, wander around the area in the morning and pack out around noon.

She’ll probably manage that without a cathole.

Then work your way up to two-night trips.

I find that when taking a girlfriend backpacking, bodily functions (lack of a toilet and running water) are by far the biggest issue. I remember my first overnight in the backcountry many years ago. While having my morning bowel movement, I realized that I really was just another animal in the wilderness. It can have a nasty and brutish element to it, and for some people it’s a deal breaker.

But you never know how people will take to backpacking and coming from an urban environment does’t mean as much as you might think. I’ve seen many UK subjects who are from cities and they can be the most capable outdoor adventurers you’re likely to meet. A lot of it has to do with the way someone reacts to the backcountry. On my first trip, I found right away I got a dopamine rush from the whole experience. Combine that with a runner’s high and I found the primordial need I could’t  realize in the civilized world.

You might want to have a bailout plan for after the first night. In other words, don’t go so far on the first day that you can’t get back to your vehicle before dark on day two. And don’t try to prod your girlfriend into wearing anything she doesn’t want. Does she drink alcohol? If yes pack along some of her favorite wine for sitting around camp. That can go a long way to knocking the edge off.

I speak from a happy 22 year relationship/marriage with a woman that really likes backpacking, but not even to my adventure level. I also speak in coming from having 4 kids ages 9-16, with a 14 yo daughter that hates backpacking, complains about it prior to heading out, but as a child, doesn’t get to opt out of family trips.

Plenty of good advice above that I can’t argue with. I would not expect to change her, that is one of the biggest mistakes many people make when entering a marriage. Knowing it will be difficult to change her, if backpacking is one of your passions and you need to listen to these complaints over and over again over many years, how will that sit with you? Do you guys have honest conversations about things like this? Your passions and desires and her responses to them? Communication is the best tool in developing a long term relationship, which is what I imagine you are trying to foster? That being said, if backpacking is a true love of yours, pay attention to this behavior, don’t brush it off, know you won’t drastically change anything, and be honest with your assessment of possible long term compatibility. Pay attention to the writing on the wall, as I don’t believe many do, which then leads to significant marriage issues and possible divorce.

Backpack to a hot springs. Or a backcountry hut. Gourmet food, place to clean up. No bugs. Some fun activity-music, go with friends (other females to talk to), fishing, climbing, birding, botany, board games, whatever she might like to try.

Dusk is a tough time for newbies, especially anxious ones, be in camp by then and ready with some activity to take their mind off being back home. Often once it is dark things are better.

Extreme LNT stuff can wait. Maybe forever.

And some people just don’t like to sleep in the dirt.

Hey Oware,

Great suggestions.  Unfortunately I haven’t found any hot springs in the NY region, bugs (especially ticks) are a major concern, and none of our friends have any gear at all to join us.  I’m the weird country boy/outdoor hippy who likes to sleep in the dirt.  We are working on getting our friends outfitted with second hand gear so it’s not too prohibitive to join us.  But I’m really blazing the trail so to speak.

We are bringing board games and frisbee and cinnamon rolls and I just got a cook set that I can finally make more than hot water with.  I’m thinking pizza and cinnamon rolls this time around!