helping girlfriend reduce weight – personal fears

Wanting to become an avid backpacker is not the same thing as being one. Wanting to want something isn't the same thing as actually wanting it.

I suggest that if you go with her again you attempt to bring more shared gear. A two-person tent, a two-person cooking system and share the water treatment. Carry all this stuff if you have to.

Piper S. wrote:

"Wanting to become an avid backpacker is not the same thing as being one. Wanting to want something isn't the same thing as actually wanting it.

I suggest that if you go with her again you attempt to bring more shared gear. A two-person tent, a two-person cooking system and share the water treatment. Carry all this stuff if you have to."

in the end, the things we want from a backpacking adventure are different enough to be problematic. she would rather hike in a little distance, setup camp, and then spend the rest of the time exploring the area around that camp. i'd rather explore a wide area and setup camp after a day of trekking. as much as i say i don't mind the former, it's nothing like the latter. i'm not a car camping kind of person, did plenty of that in the Boy Scouts years ago – i want to be away from the crowds, alone(ish) in nature.

i tried a compromise, but that simply didn't work.

Often relationships require compromises. If my wife enjoyed exactly the same things as me, the marriage might get boring. She will never, ever be willing to sleep on the ground. She is thrilled to stay in a camper and do long day hikes. She has no problem with me going backpacking whenever I want, only she isn't going with me. End result is we go camping together often and I backpack a lot too.

"in the end, the things we want from a backpacking adventure are different enough to be problematic."

"i tried a compromise, but that simply didn't work."

I'll echo Nick's comments. My wife's spine was redecorated 17 or so years ago thanks to a drunk driver whose speed was roughly 60mph at the time of impact when he hit the stopped car she was in. Even without occasional back pain, I very much doubt that she'd enjoy backpacking as much as I do. We have a small travel trailer and really enjoy car camping together. I'm very happy that we have enough in common to enjoy spending time together but we also have individual hobbies that we can pursue separately. I find time alone on the trail is a great time to think about our relationship and things I can do to improve it.

All relationships are unique and every individual brings with them their own baggage and a list of things that they will and will not tolerate from their mate. That's for you two to figure out but from my experience with my exes and my wife, trying to change my partner rarely ends well for me.

Car camping can be as fun or as tedious as you make it. Armed with a tent, there’s no reason for you to stay in a KOAesqe campground unless you want to. It’s a little trickier with an RV but there are still options. Nick’s blog is well worth reading for ideas.

…

"Les Stroud and his soul mate wife at the time, were living the dream primitive outdoors life for years, something changed, they divorced. He still does his thing, she is not there."

Survivorman happened. He got popular and was gone from home all the time. Also, "they" built an off the grid home and I don't think his wife and daughter liked it very much. That is my theory anyway.

BTW, they only lived that dream primitive outdoor life for a year, before the kids. After the kids they had a much more normal life style.

I do not actually know Les or his family. This is all based on public interviews he has given.

Life changes, but for TV personalities, even "down to earth" ones, life is much different than it is for the rest of us. ;^)

Because I'm such a *sensitive* guy I recognized right away that the problem was she didn't want to drink the water at all, not that she was worried about running out. All this is inextricably tied up with the romantic issues, so our advice on here is a bit like the Car Talk guys on NPR giving romantic advice.

But since that doesn't stop them either … I'd say buy her a sawyer mini, and include as much technical info that they put out as you can to convince her it is safe. That way at least the rational part is taken care of – that should get you about %10 of the way there :-)

Like craping in the woods, doing it the first few times with nothing untoward happening is probably enough to get her to relax about it. One of the benefits of backpacking is to spend some time pealing away our artificial layers of socialized anal retentiveness regarding comforts of home. Some people have very hard time doing this – I want to say for some it is impossible, but I have no evidence that is the case. One interesting thing I notice is that after a week or so craping in the woods, I am very repelled by going into most bathrooms for a while, especially if it is a port-o-potty in a regular campground. So that is an interesting inversion that can happen. When this type of thing finally hits here the "problem" will take care of itself. But as others have been saying, hitting her over the head with it yourself is usually counter productive.

I'd say that the good news is that she apparently likes you enough to put up with the the backpacking (and the extra weight). If it were me I'd let her be if you are smart, and just go on GF trips and "regular trips" sans GF – each with a separate mindset.

Some might say I should talk, as I think I mentioned some weeks back somewhere on here that I once knew a particular woman was not for me when she was freezing and wouldn't put on the long underwear bottoms I offered her because there were men's style. This was just a subtle feeling, but after that in retrospect I knew that was the crucial moment.:-(

"All this is inextricably tied up with the romantic issues, so our advice on here is a bit like the Car Talk guys on NPR giving romantic advice."

Well it just so happens I'm the Dr. Ruth of hiking.

Because I'm such a literate guy, when the OP mentioned "in the end, the things we want from a backpacking adventure are different enough to be problematic" I was able to use deductive reasoning to see that there's a hiking compatibility problem between the two :) Stands to reason that many of us have already been down this road with our SOs but I do realize advice is free for a reason so if this doesn't apply to the OP, he can have his money back.

I thought about suggesting that he buy her cuben everything, badger her whenever she violates UL dogma, and lecture her as she walks down the trail but as the OP seems like a decent chap, I didn't want to read about him getting pushed to his death on a trail somewhere.

It is truly amazing that two such sensitive and perceptive guys do not have people beating a path to our doors for council.

It may be that she is just a car camping kind of gal and that's it. Nothing wrong with that, either. It may be better for you both to do just day hikes so she can feel more at ease with being outdoors. You may also ask her if anything happened to you on the trail, does she know what to do??

It took me quite awhile to go solo backpacking. I discovered I was feeding off of the fears of others..you know, that there are ax murderes out there, lurking around every freaking tree. I too, was afraid of the water issue until I began to understand the possibilities of water treatment. I took first aid classes. And then I went on solo day hikes. I forced myself out there, even if it was at a local park and then up into the Shenandoahs. When I did this, I found how self-sustaining and confident I could really be and not the puddle of fear I used to be. More and more, I did day hikes. And then I did my first solo backpacking trip…scared whittless. I only hiked 4 miles. And then the biggest moment was when I left all water at home on purpose, grabbed my water tablets and went out backpacking.
I still get the heebie jeebies on my first night of the season, but it quickly fades because I begin to feel so at home in the environment. When I saw my first bear I froze. But then I just remained steadfast, calming down and just decided to make noise and the thing turned tail and ran.
It's a big confidence factor in lots of women. Many have no faith in themselves. The outdoors just brings it right to our faces. Some choose to work thru it and others not.
Just my experiences… : )

>> in the end, the things we want from a backpacking adventure are different enough to be problematic.

OK, so let me ask you this, how long did it take *you* to evolve from the Boy Scout car camping days to where you are now? Did you go on your first car-camping trip and think, "I'm not a car camping kind of person"?

I've taken a few first-time backpackers out and, imo, whether they have a car-camping background or not makes a big difference in their initial comfort level. The "camping" part is often a bigger leap than the "hiking" part. Those of us who car-camped as kids often take that part for granted.

FWIW, base-camping certainly doesn't have to mean car-camping with the masses in frontcountry campgrounds. Maybe consider some national or state forest areas where off-road vehicle access is possible to dispersed camp sites.

Great post Donna.

It both sucks that women have some reason to be afraid in some areas, and that they as a consequence often have this fear imbedded so deep it extends out in much wider circles, both "geographically" and "categorically". My neighbor K is tougher than I am, and could probably fight off a mountain lion, but she still has a fear of being new places, however nominally safe, by herself. She sometimes borrows my company for this, in spite of the fact she could probably beat me up. The burden on women is not just the real risk that is unfortunately there in some place, but for lots of people the psychological one as well.

In respect to the OPs GF, sometimes it is hard for men to understand this kind fear, and its extended circles, but if you push too hard against it you then become the thing that is threatening this shield, so a natural defense mechanisms sets in. Better to take an evolutionary than a revolutionary approach to shrinking these circles of discomfort.

Personally I have never, ever had a GF that was even willing go backpacking with me, so I'm actually jealous of the OP's GF's willingness to take the first step. For me, every time I have tried, the same question (always literally voiced as if the answer was unclear) has away put the kaibash on that – "Will I have to use the bathroom in the woods?" To be fair most of the guys I have tried to get to come with me also refuse upon the answer to that question.

Sometimes car camping is really fun. This summer I went on a car camp at a state beach campground. We had a nightly campfires and barbecues and this one old lady told stories around the fire. There were about a dozen families and many single people who came just for the day. We made s'mores. We had professional and extremely talented amateur musicians and each night we'd play songs and sing, complete with mandolin or fiddle solos. During the day we had old-time jam sessions and went for hikes on the beach. It was awesome.

I remember once, after having done half the PCT all alone, that my boyfriend and I did a car camp at a motorcycle place called Hungry Valley. It was actually really delightful. Just the two of us with our wine and dinner, a nice fire and 4 inches of foam to sleep on in the back of the SUV. No work, no effort, just relaxing and reading and talking and enjoying the smell of the pinyon pines and juniper.

I like to backpack. I often go without my boyfriend. I feel like I'm going to have to become one of those wives that has to kick their man out of the house now and then. He really needs to get out more. I suppose some people might think perhaps I'm a catch, but the catch with me is I'm fairly anti-social, probably don't put out as much as I should and I'm sorta fat and ugly. If you want a gal that likes the outdoors as much or more than you, you don't have to necessarily compromise and end up with someone as bad as me, but you might have to cast a wider net.

Diane!??? This is not pity, but straightforward direct talk from someone whose been there before too, don't sell yourself so short.

Not everyone is or can be a looker, but speaking as a guy, i would much rather be with someone with a good, deep, and/or interesting personality who is around average looking than with someone who is very physically attractive, but with a negative attitude, who is shallow, mean, immature, etc.

And it doesn't sound like you are as anti social as you make yourself out to be, you just described rather enjoying the company of various people. You're also on a forum. Truly antisocial people don't really like or enjoy people's company period. So, you're a bit introverted, nothing wrong with that.

Course i don't know you at all and vice versa, but being fairly intuitive for a guy i can pick up vibes from people, even over the i-net, and the former is telling me you're selling yourself short!

PiperS wrote:

>> I suppose some people might think perhaps I'm a catch, but the catch with me is I'm fairly anti-social, probably don't put out as much as I should and I'm sorta fat and ugly.

Uhhhhhhh — I'm pretty sure I'm reading some humor here, folks! And some darned witty word-play, too! Piper's photo is evidence of the lack of factual basis for her statement quoted above, so I think she's just bringing some levity to the party…

I don't think these are necessarily gender specific issues. There are all kinds of guys who haul heavy gear and if I heard of a guy with a water source mucphobia, I sure wouldn't think it was effeminate. Quirky, yes, but people often surprise me with such things.

As much as we like to think ourselves as rational modern beings, we are full of superstition, phobias and emotional reactions. We are still defending Copernicus and Darwin!

It is certainly a relationship issue. What would you do with a male hiking companion on these issues? Not much I think. Live by example and tread lightly is my advice.

Well on the flip side… there are tons of hikers on here who'd probably go with you if you paid for gas and there are plenty of spreadsheet hikers on here who would love to stay home with your girlfriend.

How about strained, filtered, then boiled, then aquamira'ed water…
That's got to be 10 times better than city water

Anthony
(spreadsheet hiker)

Heh heh! Way to be a team player Anthony!

Now that I think about it for a second, this lady has kind of a cute hubby, no way she would go for the rest of us right? He probably makes way more than I do too

Anthony
(The ugly poor non-backpacker)

You have already proven you are a lunk head, taking her on a 14 mile hike. Its a miracle that she went a second time, especially with the heavy gear. A third party is the best teacher for S.O.s, and I'd get her a book like Mike Clelland's lightweight backpacking book. That will have great tips for her.

Finding a partner who likes to backpack is the hard part. You could bend over backward to let her have a good time, like having good food, carrying her sleeping bag, letting her use your comfy sleeping pad, doing all the cooking and cleanup. If she likes the activity, it would be worth the money to buy her a decent sleeping bag and see how it works out. For water, take a filter plus a water treatment, and double treat the water. For distances, trade off trip styles, one trip your way (but keep the distances down) and one trip her way. Compromise, be considerate, be patient, accept other peoples preferences and opinions as valid, and don't be a lunk head.

Back in the day we called it "laying your trip" on someone. It doesn't fly well no matter what the gender. HYOH holds for couples too. I'm SURE it would go over well with the shoe on the other foot— NOT :) Whether or not you CAN change someone else, it is overshadowed by not having the right to do so. Physician, heal thyself!

I remember a woman who wrote a post here on BPL years ago about using chemicals for water purification. She met up with another couple on the trail and after finding out that she used chemical treatment, the guy poured her treated water out and refilled with filtered water– without asking or being asked to do so. I'm still outraged by his audacity.

@bob +1

When I take anyone one a trip with me that is at all new to backpacking, I usually feel like I'm not only required to "put up" with the style of that person (which includes never complaining about it, ever), but it is also my duty to deliberately plan the trip with their interests and physical constrains in mind. I think I would have to do half a dozen trips with someone before I would assume we were on the same wavelength about goals and style. With a GF (one I wanted to keep at any rate) I would feel obligated to assume the "tour guide" role for even longer.

I'd like to believe someone else would do the same for me!

"With a GF (one I wanted to keep at any rate)…"

Mark, what do you do with the non-keepers?

–B.G.–

"Mark, what do you do with the non-keepers?"

In the words of our beloved members of Congress, "I'm not going to respond to hypothetical questions. Let's move on."

Maybe, just maybe, backpacking isn't the most important thing in the world, or in a relationship.

A partner who doesn't want to backpack does not indicate a character defect.