Why do male adventurers not take their female partners along?

Beacause its supposed to be recreation? :)

My wife is an accomplished backpacker, kayaker, skier, and cyclist. My main issue is keeping up with her :)

I wouldnt expect people to change their ways and it's just good luck if they do. They like the kool aid or they don't. It's traditional for guys to be more outdoorsy, although there have been losts of stories of male hiking companions who were a royal pain.

If you hook up with Barbie, you get Barbie.

>> If you hook up with Barbie, you get Barbie.

Oh yeah. True that. And, conversely, if you hook up with that guy in the bar, you get a guy who likes to hang out in bars!

First, why do we enter a relationship with a particular significant other? Is it because he or she likes doing the same stuff?

Great if that works out, but my guess is shared values, similar outlooks, "getting each other," and attraction count a heck of a lot more as a basis for a relationship.

Second, backpacking takes a certain level of commitment. More so than say a weekend on the beach. You've gotta make sure you're On It. Can't just buy what you forgot to pack once you get there. A big adventure? That takes even more buy-in.

In the beginning my husband was sort of interested in backpacking. But he didn't have anywhere near the same intensity.

Third, could there be some sort of primal, protective gender thing going on? Sure, but I think pragmatically a lot of other stuff gets in the way long before that could even come into play.

Even if my husband did want to go with me, that couldn't logistically work out right now since we don't have anyone who could handle both kids overnight. It would be the same if the roles were flipped.

Do I feel shortchanged that my husband does not take me along on week-long prog-rock guitar workshops? Um, no.

Want equity? Make sure your spouse has proportional time to do whatever it is he or she really wants to do beyond work and family roles.

I can't speak for anyone else, but in my own case I've known a few girls (besides my wife) that enjoy camping trips, but could never get past the idea of that being sort of invasive feeling. If you're in a book club it's not so weird to invite a girl to that, but going out in the woods for a week seems much more intense even if you obviously don't think of it that way (doubly so if my wife is going to be home with the kiddos during the trip). It probably wouldn't end up being that strange in practice, but it's definitely a psychological hurdle.

My wife likes camping, although doesn't have any interest in going on the kind of trips where 4-5 guys are already going, and no girls have said they would. I attribute that to conversational preferences.

She's smarter than me, in same ways less of a risk taker and in others, she's like danger girl. She's skydived, which I won't do. She's fearless when climbing rock ledges and I'm "almost" petrified with fear. I drive like Mario Andretti, and she drives like a little old lady. She's a big Star Trek fan, reads Star Wars books and played World of Warcraft. She likes Sci-fi and fantasy. We enjoy hiking together. She's faster going uphill, I'm faster going downhill. Neither one of us talk a lot when on the trail. We may go an hour without saying anything, just enjoying the scenery and each other's company, and may talk for 15 minutes and then it lapses into companionable silence again. She's the introvert and I'm the extrovert when it comes to meeting people on the trail. I'll talk to anyone. She listens and asks questions when something in the conversation interests her, but she doesn't have to be the center of attention and mostly shies away from attention.

She was afraid of going to the bathroom in the woods and always looked for a privy. That ended when she got explosive diarrhea on a hike. She's no longer self-conscious, at least in front of me. And yes, she packs out her used toilet paper. I've told her it was OK to bury it in the hole, but she refuses.

We were in a lean-to at Katahdin Stream Campground when our planned hike was interrupted by hurricane Arthur. We hiked some in the rain, but spent most of the time in the lean-to just watching the weather. She commented that she liked that I wasn't complaining. She went camping with her husband, before they divorced, with another couple and the other couple bickered and complained the entire time. It ruined the weekend for her. I never complain to her about things I can't control, such as hurricanes. She doesn't feel the need to constantly fill every moment of silence with inane chatter that some women do. I told her once that I liked hiking with her because she didn't talk too much. She took it as the compliment it was meant to be. She told her friend what I said and her friend said I lost 10 points.

We've run into female hikers that chattered the entire time they were in earshot. Nonstop. We stopped and let them get away from us. We like our silence, our quiet. I tend to think she has more stamina then me. After a 12 mile hike over Sugarloaf Mountain to Spaulding mountain and back, I was wiped out and had to sit down before I puked. She just waited patiently for me to recover and didn't look like she needed to rest at all. My caveman manhood was threatened. She's the one with the CCW. She's a better pistol shot than I am, but I have to do all the cooking, and she appreciates that I feed her, which makes me laugh. She sets up the tent and bed, I make supper. Works for us.

Hmmm….

I can't seem to find a guy who WANTS to go on these multi-day, multi-week adventures like me. Third world countries, wilderness, international treks….

Not that I DON'T like a good resort every now and then, but I prefer a type 2 and type 3-fun type of trip instead. I seem to have a hard time finding guys who want to spend 3 weeks without a shower. What gives??

Try the Army. Three weeks without showers was pretty routine. By regulation, female soldiers were allowed showers every three days. The double standard used to drive me nuts.

Don't you think you should be able to find one guy on this site that likes hiking? :)

Never got the shower thing. It is so simple to take a sponge bath and keep clean anywhere when traveling, be it 20 miles from the road or in a cheap hotel room with just a sink.

This whole discussion isn't so much a male/female thing as it is personal priorities. Either you want to be out in the wilderness and are willing to make compromises or changes from city life, or you don't. You trade the bugs, dirt, sleeping accommodations, food, etc for the solitude, peace, views, flora and fauna. Like all travel, seeing new places and vistas is the goal. If you don't buy that, you will may be miserable.

I'm not much of an athlete, but I'll trade the exertion for the positives (and knowing that is is good for me). There IS a sense of accomplishment in dragging yourself up 2500' of switchbacks on a hot summer day. The alpine lake in a dramatic cirque is a fine reward. Seeing an osprey snag a trout is desert.

Those who do best are willing to try new things and look at life as a grand experiment. If it doesn't work, fine, but you get rewards when you try something new and you step outside your comfort zone. What puzzles me is when I run into people of any gender who won't step out of the zone a bit. I'm sure there is a Briggs Myers personality type that goes with it.

We sat at a breakfast table in a small Parisian hotel having a feast of fresh bread, butter, jam, pots of coffee and hot chocolate and fresh orange juice. One of the couple sitting next to us whined about not being able to get bacon and eggs. All I could think was, why didn't he stay home? He would really be in trouble in a village in Laos or the Andes! Want to go backpacking with that attitude? NOT!

Do something every day that scares you a little!

"Do something every day that scares you a little!"

I do! I partake in chaff….

The biggest reason my wife doesn't come with my on most trips is just that she has a different philosophy of hiking. I like to hike distances just to get out into solitude. She gets bored with trail hiking after a few miles, so if it's just hiking for hiking's sake she's usually not interested. If there's a cool destination to reach at the end, even something simple like a waterfall or some hot springs, that's a different story.

I don't understand the concept of type 3 fun

Type 2 fun – not fun while you're doing it but fun thinking back at it makes sense

Type 3 fun – not fun even when you look back at it – then it's not fun???

again, way too much analysis. :)

At least for me, I' don't go solo to prove my own manliness . It is simply because I enjoy going solo as I my own pace, my own agenda and I truly feel more connected with nature.

I loved the five days my wife and I spent at Hovenweep last March. But that was a camping/hiking trip.

For my backpacking trips, I would rather go solo because it is a different dynamic.

But that is just me :)

Ps. My wife is from Germany. Pop psychology can be problematic when discussing cultural norms as well. ;)

They don't?

"Great if that works out, but my guess is shared values, similar outlooks, "getting each other," and attraction count a heck of a lot more as a basis for a relationship……….Want equity? Make sure your spouse has proportional time to do whatever it is he or she really wants to do beyond work and family roles."

Your really hit the nail on the head with these two gems, Katherine. They are the foundation of a successful relationship, IMO. I've had both kinds of relationships in my long, checkered career, and what you said describes why, in large part, my current one has lasted some 39 years and counting. Backpacking is something I can do solo, or with another guy, or even another woman, and know that my wife is happy that I am doing something I love. Even as I am happy when she is doing something she loves. Part of a solid relationship is doing your level best to facilitate that which enhances your mate's life, for its own sake and because it will deepen the bonds between you. Call it proactive equity or whatever, it is one of the core principles of our relationship.

"but I prefer a type 2 and type 3-fun type of trip instead. I seem to have a hard time finding guys who want to spend 3 weeks without a shower. What gives??"

Sounds like a problem with your search parameters to me.

Easy! Be forwarned that they aren't into ultralight gear :)

Well I'm not an adventurer in the Skurka sense of things. I love my wife and kids. I really love spending all my time with them to a point that I've neglected some of my friendships because I'd rather watch Wreck it Ralph with my monkeys than hammer back a beer at a bar.

The only reason I don't go hiking with my wife is because she's not interested in backpacking. There's a million other things we enjoy doing together so that's ok that this is something I do with my friends or solo.

I'd be in big trouble if I even thought of going hiking or backpacking without my wife. It might be ok if it was with one of our kids and she couldn't go for some reason. Or maybe if it involved steep terrain or climbing and she'd been out a lot recently. But otherwise, fuggedaboutit!

Similar for kayaking…

My gf goes with me on overnights and day trips. she even sewed us a Bilgy tarp tent. she isn't interested in the longer day hikes and more difficult trails that I do. We choose the trails/peaks that we want to do together

My wife doesn't like backpacking, but we go on day hikes pretty regularly and she's been on every expedition-length whitewater rafting trip with me since we met over 20 years ago. Some of those trips had lots of Type 2 fun.

I'd love it if she went backpacking too, but I'm OK traveling solo.

— Rex

let me get this straight. I think I read about this before, somewhere.

Type 1 fun is fun as its happening and fun to talk about afterwards
Type 2 fun is not fun as you are doing it, but fun to talk about afterwards
Type 3 fun is not fun and not fun to talk about.

Is that correct?

I think most of my hiking is somewhere between type 1 and type 2 and maybe some overlap. I've only had one hike that was type 3 and that's just 'cuz the entire hike was miserable, hot, buggy and the views were awful and I cut my fingers on the sharp edged granite.

GF and I stopped for breakfast at a small restaurant on the way to a day hike and we were chatting with the owners about hiking. One of the waitresses asked us if hiking was fun, she always wanted to go hiking. We thought for a moment and my GF explained, "its not always fun, but its something we enjoy doing together. Sometimes its an awful lot of work. There are bugs, and weather and you sweat and stink, but we still enjoy it".

My understanding, and experience, of Type 3 Fun is that it is only acknowledged as Fun somewhere down the road. Maybe a week after a shower and burgers, maybe 3 months. A lot is just the perspective of the experience.

My first 100 MTB ride was Type 3 Fun. Wasn't fun at the time, but four months later I signed up again. The second time around it was Type 2 Fun.

I recently got cooked on a Grand Canyon hike. Said "Stupid, Insane, Why, Why?" A repeat performance is already on the calendar.

There are "memorable" events that I would not do again. Type 3 for me always has the potential for being repeated, and enjoyed.

My wife is good for Type 2 fun, and has been through a couple of Type 3 events, mainly due to life-threatening weather. But she can honestly say, now, they were worth experiencing … maybe even Fun.

… end drift.

The most challenging hike I've done was a 10 day backcountry trip in Kluane National Park. It was myself and five women on the trip, all of whom were strong, confident, and capable hikers.

I think that a love for backpacking and outdoor pursuits has less to do with gender and more to do with personality type and where and how you were raised. My girlfriend grew up on a farm and spent her younger days playing in the dirt on the prairies. She has no issues gutting fish, pooping in the bush, or going a week without a shower. This fall her and another woman helped us butcher and process a moose. At the same time, I've had male friends come visit us who are scared to touch a fish and can't sleep in a tent because they are worried about bugs.

Thinking back, I saw more women out on the trails last summer than I did men. And on our adventures, whether in the summer or winter, there are always some hardy women along for the adventure. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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