I liked your rant and mostly agree Edward, but of course i would modify it some. (segway) Speaking of modification, for the most part i like ponchos. But to me, it seems like a no brainer, why not use some WPB material for part of a poncho (the part that goes over front core especially). It's one of those ideas that is so simple, that few seem to think about it. One could always use more breathability, and if one is willing to do some mods, you don't have to pay much for such alterations and they are pretty easy. You're basically just cutting a rectangular of fabric, sewing it on to the poncho, and then cutting away the original fabric for that area. Piece of cake.
I bought two Sierra Designs brand–"Storm Poncho's" on sale for 15 each, weight at 7.9 oz (a bit on the heavier side as compared to some all silnylon ponchos). I just finished moding one of them today. It does look a bit funky being a combo of blue (original fabric), green (front core highly water resistant, quite breathable fabric), and dark brown (replaced much of the back with lighter silnylon). I could care less how it looks though.
This will be my go to rain gear for warmer weather. (the other will be modded with my own 3 layer WPB design using 1443R tyvek as the "membrane" and polyester organza fabric as the lining and shell).
For colder to cooler weather, nothing beats getting a Nikwax Analogy Pump liner, or garment with the same properties, and combining it with your favorite UL windjacket of choice. Though, it will necessitate occasionally deep cleaning and re applying DWR (but less often than with a non epic shell), so it's not ideal by your above standards. One could use one of those military style Polypropylene winter weight, fuzzy on the inside "baselayers", turn it inside out and use that as the mid/pump liner layer (will need to attach a hood though) and not ever need to apply DWR to it, just occasional good cleaning with something that breaks up/dissolves grease/oils.
Anyways, so far these general concepts seem to be the ultimate in breathable, comfortable rain gear, at reasonable weights.