Solo…and the wife (or husband)

i have a three year old and another on the way- i take mostly solo trips and my wife has learned to deal with it- she knows that i will go insane if i don't periodically escape into the wilderness from time to time- maybe try showing her some kind of statistic of how many people were killed in car accidents in the last year versus how many people were killed hiking in the sierras or wherever it is you would like to go-

My wife has always been fully supportive of me going solo; I travel and run alone far more often than I do with people. She trusts my abilities and judgment and doesn't worry about me. In fact, she encourages that I go; she knows it's important to me.
It was something I was doing when we met and she was understanding that it was something I would continue doing.
She takes trips on her own (though not backpacking) as well. It's got to be reciprocal in some way.

So I'm fortunate to never have any issues here. For this I'm very grateful.

I don't know how you convince her it's safe…some people fear everything; I don't know her. How can you guarantee anything is safe?

Would rental be an option on your budget http://www.plbrentals.com/.

My wife also isn't that keen on the idea of me going solo, which most of my trips are. However she has come to realise just how important this is to me and keeps her worries to herself now. I always leave a detail route plan with her and discuss my plans in detail. I will also be getting a PLB or SPOT in the near future. When I get the time to get out more regularly.

"The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky."

-Rainer Maria Rilke

It has been long been my opinion that if you have kids and a spouse at home, that unless one is carrying large amounts of life insurance that covers all deaths in the wilderness and a will, you shouldn't be playing.

Harsh? Yeah.

I was a single mom for 5 years and while I played a lot those years I had a will and hefty life insurance on myself so that if something DID happen my son would be OK.

You can find the money. I did, while working a cruddy job with no child support.

You want a happy marriage you need to look out for everyone – and if that means you eat out less so you can buy a Spot, so be it.

Your wife may well see you running away to have fun and leaving her with a baby and another on the way – and isn't happy over that.

Locally there was a man who went missing while hiking (no body has been found even a good 5 years later) and he left behind a stay at home wife with 7 or 8 kids. They were destitute without him and from what my husband heard from a sister in law he didn't have good insurance.

You wanna go? Then pay!

I've recently been talking about this same issue with my wife. Last year she was willing to let me go on solo day hikes but no solo overnighters. There are extremely limited hiking and backpacking opportunities local to where I live so that killed me going anywhere remotely interesting. Being new to the region I have no friends here to go with either. Our new agreement is and imperfect but allows me to at least head out of my local region for more interesting hiking. We have come to an agreement where I am able to day hike all I want but at night I have to locate a staffed camp ground head off to a hotel. Sure it doesn't allow for any long distance options but it at least gives me the ability to head out to some National and State Parks in the WI, OH, MI, or Southern IN area and spend a day or two out there. It keeps her happy and with me being able to cover 15-20 miles a day, I still get to do some decent loops and in & outs.

Lol, I agree. I have plenty of life insurance and a will (I'm an attorney). I think you're right though. The timing right now lends her to be more protective of our family. I think some more time and saving for a SPOT may go a long way.

Take the spouse and kids along when you head to the wilderness. Cut the distance down, if need be. It isn't good to have all of the fun just for yourself.

–B.G.–

Well, I'm not married, and I've never had kids, so I feel eminently qualified to answer your question!

1. Don't make her feel silly or overprotective for being worried, even if you think she is. Discuss her fears with her, validate them, and let her know how you're taking precautions to eliminate or minimize the conditions that lead to those fears. Stay away from statistics — they rarely help in such situations, no matter how good they are.

2. Start small. Overnight nearby. That kind of thing.

3. For every night you spend out in the woods, she gets a night away from the house with friends — you babysit.

4. I don't have a number four. Remember, I'm not married and I don't have kids. I was lucky to come up with 3.

Jeff,

What is interesting is I have never had a real issue with my husband traveling – after all I went backpacking often, so if he had to go on a trip, oh well.

But when I was pregnant this past year with Walker I freaked out. When he went to Romania for business and then Germany I wasn't happy. But when he had to go to India for an extended period for business when I was in late 3rd Tri I was freaked out. I made him leave me every password in case anything happened – and I made him get every vaccination out there (including upping his Polio) and carry pricey antibiotics and call me twice a day. And his company had to agree that if I went into labor they would fly him out immediately. Yeah, I had the leash on tight ;-P

So…pregnancy hormones are NEVER fun!

So…..maybe don't push it right now? It is winter after all. Wait till the baby is here. And as mentioned…make sure Mom has her own time. Kirk gives me "Sarah Time" once a month where I go do a crazy hike with my buddy Jared usually.

Douglas and Craig hit the nail on the head – reciprocate. I know how much my wife appreciated it when I babysat the kids for a change, and let her escape. Wish I hadn't been so terrible about doing it.

And get enough insurance to take care of your family, but not so much your wife is tempted to hold a pillow over your face some night!

Thanks for all the great suggestions. I think I will lay off a little right now and wait till Summer and after the baby to bring it up again. I think part of the problem was we watched this show called "I'm lucky to be alive". Well, unluckily for me, the episode we watched was of these two underprepared hikers who got lost hiking San Jacinto in southern California. Needless to say, that didn't help my cause much. Reciprocity is definitely important. I make sure that she has those trips with friends. No fair if I have all the fun. ;) Once the kids are bigger I plan on including them and her (again) on these hikes.

Joe, Doug, and Craig got it right.
That's why there are TWO of you.

My wife didn't like it at first (but she knew I'd go anyway) and I did buy a SPOT and that helped a little. Time has done the rest. She doesn't even blink now. Part of it is I talk about it so much that she thinks I know what I'm doing. I keep throwing out terms like 10 essentials, bivouac, risk assessment, self evacuate. :) Perhaps taking a wilderness survival course will help allay her fears some?

Joe,
I appreciate the pillow comment.
I think I'll lower the life insurance.

edited

Meetup.com is yr friend for day hikes anyways

just have life insurance …. I have yet to hear someone say no when theres insurance moola

theyll put secret bear treats in yr pockets =P

Great comments thus far. I'll just add that solo backpacking only seems dangerous. Driving to work is much more likely to kill or hurt you. The only reason we're all not terrified of driving is that doing so would be impractical.

I feel both comments below represent exactly how i feel about this very well. I have chosen to be single as for reasons such like this amongst a few others. All i can offer is the single guys perspective. I would say do what you have to do to keep the piece first and foremost. However if either one of you are left wanting bad enough for something the other does not support the rope will prob break sooner or later? And if not someone will grow old resentful and unhappy. I think the baby thing needs some time, at least let her get through that and then see how she feels. My guess is not much different with a new born but? After all you got her pregnant so i suppose some patience is in order for now?

Great comments thus far. I'll just add that solo backpacking only seems dangerous. Driving to work is much more likely to kill or hurt you. The only reason we're all not terrified of driving is that doing so would be impractical.

"The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky."

-Rainer Maria Rilk

check this guy out

houseofrain.com

craig childs

"Great comments thus far. I'll just add that solo backpacking only seems dangerous. Driving to work is much more likely to kill or hurt you. The only reason we're all not terrified of driving is that doing so would be impractical."

THANK YOU.

2009: ~33,000 automobile accident deaths in the US. Not to mention injuries. In a SINGLE YEAR.
(Blows my mind considering in OVER A DECADE of fighting in Vietnam ~60,000 Americans were killed).
We've got the fatalities of the Vietnam War unfolding every two years on our roads; men, women, and children.

And to think people worry about bears, falling off cliffs, and snake bites? I'd wager you're safer in the woods than in any major city on this planet.

Like Eric said, meetup.com. After the family is settled in a bit. Come back with photos of you and the dudes having a fun, safe time. (Perhaps don't take pictures of the women. I'll leave that to your discretion.) My first backpacking trip was this past spring and was solo, and everyone I know thought I would die for sure. The rest of my trips were with groups, which demonstrably allayed their fears.

-Pete

Because that sums up my relationship with my wife – we are two rather idependent people who have a terrific relationship. Everyone always asks if she is a backpacker – she likes to hike but doesn't share the same passion for backpacking. And that's fine – we have different interests but that keeps it interesting, right?

Anyhow, I really loved that quote. Thanks again!

Dirk

Jeff,
Im not too far north. We can always hook up for a hike. I've thought about the SPOT. Looks up the pro's and con's. The one that sticks out for me is that, now that you have the capability to send a text, it's expected. Even thought everything is alright, the wife may panic. I bought a ACR PLB. Do the research, whatever you decide, happy trails!

Brian