Why do male adventurers not take their female partners along?

[German Tourist]

Whenever I read about any male outdoor adventurer (hikers, climbers, bushcraft or whatever) they are usually out there on their own or with a male partner. Even when they are married or in a relationship their wives or partners stay at home.

Even just looking at the more moderate thruhiking community you see very few couples hiking together. Although it is not unusual for a couple to meet on a long-distance trail once the relationship is forged you don't see them hiking together any more. You see a lot more solo male hikers with their wife/partner safely back home than couples.

I had always thought that this is due to most women's reluctance to participate in outdoor activities or plainly said: The male wants his female partner to join him but the female does not want to.

But recently I have heard a totally different theory going back to our “cavemen insticts”: This theory basically means that back in the old times men only went hunting (which would be the equivalent to modern day outdoor pursuits) with a male partner because this activity could possibly endanger not only your own but also your partner's life. If your male hunting partner dies – no problem. But if you take your female partner along, she is not only your “woman” but also the (potential) mother of your (future) children. And as a male you would never endanger your offspring – even if it is only potential offspring. Therefore even nowadays men are reluctant to share risky outdoor activities with someone they are emotionally attached to. They cannot view a female as an equal partner – they always (also) see the (potential) mother of their children who has to be protected from dangers.

Even in my recent thread about solo female backpackers there were several reactions from men stating that the thought of their female loved ones doing something risky like hiking or hitchhiking alone scars them – because they are female.

So now the question to all the males here is: Would you take your female significant other along on any long and risky outdoor adventure? (I am not talking about a weekender or a short hike but more of some expedition style undertaking.) If no, why wouldn't you? Could you accept your spouse as an equal expedtion partner or would always (subconsciously) make concessions because they are female and need to be more "protected"?

And for those of you who have not found your significant other yet: Are you looking for a female partner to come along with you on any type of expedition or would you (secretly) be more happy if she stayed safely at home?

What do you think of the above described "cavemen attitude" towards women? Does it still influence your behaviour?

[Ken Thompson]

None of these caveman thoughts ever entered my mind. I view women as equals. My wife just does not like to go backpacking. My passion for backpacking developed after we were already together. Car camping she's into. Hiking. definitely not. I don't really ever worry about her. I know she is capable and intelligent. That's why we are together.

But if I did have a relationship with a woman that was interested in this pursuit I would want her there every step of the way. Risky or not.

My wife tells me "Men are idiots" The ones that think like a caveman, she's right.

Now I was raised primarily with just a single mother. Lived with my grandmother also for a while and always had female roommates. So I do tend to side with women on many things that my male counterparts do not.

[Art …]

… sometimes its just nice to do things apart from one another, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that …

—

[Jerry Adams]

I don't like to backpack with men or women. Nice to be away for a few days and just have simple life – get up, eat, pack up, walk, unpack, eat, sleep,…

My wife likes to go in RV. She's no idiot.

I went backpacking with my brother and his wife (to be?) but after they got married she wasn't into it any more. My brother and I usually get out once a year. I think her knee bothered her and probably your caveman theory was in play also. I don't consider my backpacking risky. Uncomfortable may be more accurate.

[Greg Mihalik]

The door is always open, and I'm delighted when my wife wants to accompany me.

I have no doubts or fears about her capabilities in the woods.

[John Almond]

When I was married, my ex-wife didn't like bugs, lack of comfort in sleeping (despite my assurances that I could get gear that would make her comfortable), lack of showers and electricity, or…well…physical activities that required her to be outdoors. So, no backpacking.

My current girlfriend goes with me on about one trip in three. Scheduling (two jobs and school eat up a lot of time for her) and physical fitness (she's in good shape but isn't a marathoner like me) are the checks on her coming on all of the trips. I don't think she's incapable of handling herself in the woods, with or without me.

I have the same appreciation for her endurance and skill levels as I would with any of my hiking partners, and I gladly take her on any trips within her ability. It's just that, sometimes, want to do twenty five miles a day. There aren't many folks in my area who enjoy that, is all.

[Lori P]

Because lots of people fail to marry someone who wants to go.

It ain't so complicated.

[W I S N E R !]

Grown adults have to live with the consequences of their upbringings to a certain extent but can also make their own decisions. That a woman should choose to be with a man that doesn't "let" her participate in certain things says something very sad. Not to mention that some men are trained to think this way.

It all starts very, very young. I had to correct certain family members when I noticed that my son was always being complimented for being very smart while my daughter was always being complimented for being very cute….

I'm far more concerned about how children are raised in this regard and as the parent of a 13 year old boy and 11 year old girl I try to remain very concious of what opportunities and attitudes are being imparted on them.

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[W I S N E R !]

Small observation: The fact that you would characterize your wife as "whining" might say something about your dynamic.

[rOg w]

deleted

[Jeffs Eleven]

"LET my wife go"?

sheesh… she tells me what I can and can't post

[Paul Magnanti]

Too much analysis.

At least in my case it is rather simple: I prefer longer trips solo.

While I enjoy a weekend with my wife or friends when backpacking, anything longer I tend to enjoy being by myself. The one trip I did more than 3 days with someone was for logistics (shuttling) reasons and, truth be told, I'd rather have gone solo.

If anything, my wife is the only person I enjoy car camping/hiking with for more than a weekend as opposed to backpacking.

I am sure there are many women who feel similar.

[Cameron M]

The fact that the OP frames the question as "males" not "taking" their "females" is a bit offensive to both both sexes. "Males" are represented as "adventurers", females as "partners". Additionally, males "taking" something that is "theirs" implies ownership, another pretty nasty consequence of this type of "caveman attitude". Sorry to be a bit rough here, but re-framing questions like these are the first steps towards occupying a space of equality. Become aware, try harder.

I lived in Bavaria so I know that some German attitudes are decidedly different than some American ones, which also vary. I can tell you that here in Los Angeles in 2015 my friends and I don't "take" our partners anywhere; we decide to go together on some trips. During the day I like the solitude of walking alone, a fact that I make clear to both male and female hiking companions. I know more males than females who enjoy backpacking and the conditions of camping in general. I don't know of any males or females who believe they were not welcome to join their partners. YMMV.

[Michael Gunderloy]

That caveman "theory", like much pop sociobiology, fails under even mild inspection. If hiking partner choice were due to wanting to preserve the genes, there wouldn't be so many of us taking our kids out on the trail.

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[Valerie E]

LOTS of stuff going on here! German Tourist is stirring the pot again. ;^)

In some cases, the couple have offspring, and usually (but not always) the female partner has the larger childcare role, which makes her less able to be away. However, there are a few notable families that have done some *crazy* adventurous stuff together — even with infants!

In other cases, the men just want to get away from the family for some "me" time — and they choose to do it via expeditions (other men go to Vegas to get away, LOL); most women have been socialized to (or evolved to) choose more "pampering" activities.

I can think of at least one woman on BPL who goes on adventures alone, because her husband isn't interesting in doing those things. Other women on BPL regularly go either with their husbands, or alone.

> It all starts very, very young. I had to correct certain family members when I noticed that > my son was always being complimented for being very smart while my daughter was always being > complimented for being very cute….
Yep. Been there, lived that, and graduated summa cum laude! Hopefully there are more parents nowadays like Craig W., so today's young gals won't have to "graduate"! BTW, I've been doing adventurous outdoor stuff for over 30 years, and I see FAR more women out there now than I did 30 years ago — so things are changing.

Male behaviour may also play a part in this trend: How many times have I seen a couple hiking "together", with the man out front and the woman scowling/panting/desperately trying to keep up with him, while he is oblivious to her struggle? These women look miserable. If you actually WANT her to come with you, don't make it a sufferfest (unless that's what you BOTH want). Compromise — put her in front some of the time, and walk at her pace for a while. Then go out front (with agreement from her) and wait for her at a pre-determined point on the trail. If your hiking pace is that different, and you don't want to slow down, then you'll never be happy going together.

As for women being less "capable" on adventures … YMMV, but the only person I've ever known who asked a ranger for a rescue was male (because he was "tired"; the ranger said no) — and on that same outing, I walked out 5 miles of very difficult terrain, in the dark with a broken headlamp (my fault, should've had a spare) on a stress-fractured foot, without a single complaint. Women can "suck it up" just as well as men, but they have to want to; men can be just as whiny as anybody if they want to be.

I've been fortunate enough to have had decades of fabulous adventures, including high-level adventure racing, rad trad multi-pitch climbing, mixed alpine climbing, and adventure travel. Now I'm a little older, and getting into thru-hiking. How many of those things were done with women? None. Why? Because there weren't any that I knew who wanted to do those things. Why? I don't know exactly, because I always did want to do them (oh, and I love coarse, politically incorrect humour, too). Have I always gotten along better with men than women? Yes. I'm probably just a tomboy who never grew up. There ARE other women like me, but in my day they were very, very rare — maybe this is changing.

[Michael L]

I beg, bribe, and blackmail my wife into going…or I try to. She used to be up for all day hiking, but now she likes to limit outdoor pursuits to <5 miles and then back to civilization. Yet she will play sand VB all day.

I just like to have company on hikes. But then I'm talkative.

[Philip Tschersich]

My wife is about the only person I COULD take on my trips. She's the only one I hike with regularly who could keep up and deal with all the alder-whacking that cross-country travel here entails. Alas, she commercial salmon fishes in the summers and that's when I do most of my adventuring, so she is unavailable.

That said, I do have a higher tolerance for steep/exposed mountain terrain than she does, so some challenging routes might give her pause.

[Stephen M]

My wife comes along for overnighters every few months but she has no interest in high mileage or winter trips. I think she likes having the house to herself when I am away :-)

[Aaron Sorensen]

My wife will go if:

She goes to a location she doesn't get dirty, or if she does has the ability to shower.
There are no bugs.
She doesn't sleep on dirt (too many bugs)
She doesn't have to carry more than 10 pounds.

That's about it.
She loves hiking and if camping had nothing to do with the above, she would love camping.

[Kattt]

Probably as many reasons as there are adventurers.
I would not dismiss what the OP brought up either. As much as we think we are past those kinds of instincts, they still play a part in out every day behavior. I prefer that than some of the other reasons ….
The title to the thread itself is a little problematic to me; being taken along isn't what some of us women are all about.
I can think of a number of different dynamics and many have already been mentioned here. One more, not necessarily a big one, but one that exists nonetheless is that some men go with other men , or possibly alone, to keep their fantasy that this is something only guys can do. In that scenario, should a woman participate and do as well or better, the whole thing could lose appeal to them; they might as well not include women because why would I want to hang out with that anyway.
Here on BPL I used to get upset more and point out all the sexist bs, now I just hike with some of the finest most respectful people here and that is pretty cool.

[HkNewman]

Only about 20% of the women I've dated after my divorce have been interested. Think the caveman principle is dying out with younger generations, .. my brother started dating a woman who backpacks and he is the resistant urbanite (despite running adventure races like Spartan, Tough Mudder, etc.,.. and other macho man activities … ).

I think there's plenty of opportunities for every generation but it will get a bit better for those who a want a partner to travel as a couple.

Ed: br.

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[Kattt]

…..having had to deal with a couple " high maintenance" girls just yesterday…..I would not blame anyone for not taking those two out.

Posting about that in chaff….

Edited .

Roger, I was not pointing fingers with that particular scenario. Like I said , there are too many reasons to mention. I do believe that what I described does exist though, and I have been around it . I have worked a number of physical jobs and been around men that seem to need to believe that. I am not going to change their minds, certainly not by arguing with them.
I understand that conversations with just guys are different , and probably same as when just women hang out. I don't think that it is worth leaving someone out for the sake of fireside conversations. Besides, some of us keep up with all that too ;)

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